I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
You Might Also Like
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…