The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
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Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
Facebook marketplace is a different world
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
Worst perfume name ever.
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!