I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
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wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
my friends when i can’t do basic math
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.