[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
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u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously