My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
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The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
the Monday after daylight savings
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
this is the greatest thing ever
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
I have no passwords left in me
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.