it be like that
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I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night