I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
You Might Also Like
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.