Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
You Might Also Like
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
This January has 47 Mondays
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers