I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
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“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
did it work
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”