Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
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Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
Why do meteors always land in craters?
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?