First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
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IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
This is a sub tweet
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly