I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
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Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”