Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
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– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*