JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
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Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.