A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
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wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.