If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
You Might Also Like
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
I would like even faster food.
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.