a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
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Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
Cats are still liquid.