When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
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My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
My favorite female superhero
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
my lower back watching me try to live my life