“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
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my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
guilty
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.