Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
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Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.