mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
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[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.