I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
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Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
three things we don’t talk about
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
2022: I can fix it
Cat is stressing him out.
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do