Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
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Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?