i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
You Might Also Like
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.