Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.

It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.

Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣

I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)

mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes

kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*

“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”

Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.

“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.

my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson

me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits

[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]

me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*

Become ungovernable.

“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:

WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!

The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping

Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.

Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.

*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*

[Police station]

Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”

Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”

99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her

me: make me the coolest guy

genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u

me: son of a

The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.

Me:

Obama:

Me:

Obama:

Me:

Obama:

Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while

Obama:

Me: like we all know who he is, but

Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™

Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for

Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”

The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.

wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.

I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.

[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.

*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*

Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion

I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.

We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.