God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
You Might Also Like
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
6: are snakes just neck?
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
Stick it to the man
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.