One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
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I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
Home #decor warning.
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much