After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
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Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
Previously On Persistence 😎
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
Succinctly put.
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
*struts into the new year
~ trips
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
This is my favorite one of these!
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.