bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
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ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
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My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen