“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
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If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
What the hell is going on?
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…