Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
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Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
What a kind woman! 😂😂
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.