sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
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I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.