God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
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slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.