Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
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The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
I’m being attacked 😭
I’m crying im so happy for them
nobody’s gonna understand
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there