Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
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I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly