I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
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[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday