How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
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(Jupiter –
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”