her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
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Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?