“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
You Might Also Like
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo