Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
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[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
*swipes right on my hand mirror
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.