When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
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The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
This why you should mind your business
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.