Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
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My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
[loses house key, starts a new life]
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
“Why you watching this shit?”
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.