The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
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Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
ready to be harvested
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.