Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
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Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.