Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
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Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
Well well well…
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
every college guy’s fridge
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?