[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
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It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
need him
WTF
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.