guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
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My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here