Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
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Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
work smarter, not harder
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead