New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
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I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?