Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
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finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
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They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
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If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
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My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to